Lending an EAR

"Communication works for those who work at it."

-John Powell

Communication is probably the most difficult, and yet the most important, part of every relationship. It is the healthiest way to solve issues taking place in your marriage, your family, or even you workplace. And yet, so many people don't know how to effectively communicate. 65% of divorces are caused from poor communication. How sad is that? I know that's part of the reason my parent's had a divorce, and I'm sure if you look at your life you have "divorced" certain people because of a lack of communication. Communication is conveying your message in a way that everyone feels understood, heard, and respected.

So let's talk about how to do that! Think of someone you have a difficult time communicating with, someone who seems impossible. Now let's say that person hasn't been doing their dishes, and you have been stuck doing them all by yourself. How would you normally approach that? Would you deal with it? Would you yell at them for not helping you with the dishes? Obviously, none of those are great ways to approach that situation. So what exactly is the best way? Well, according to David E. Burns, MD, there are three key areas we need to focus on: Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect. (If you want to read more about Burns' techniques, follow the link at the bottom of the page.)

Well it all starts with empathy. Empathy is defined as, "the ability to understand and to share the feelings of another." This is different from sympathy because when you sympathize with someone, you aren't feeling their same feelings. In the situation described above, this would look a little like this:

You: Hey, I've noticed your dishes have been in the sink for a while now.

Them: Yeah, I've been really busy.

You: Oh, that's no fun, I'm sorry.

That's not bad, but it's not good either. Empathy looks like this:

You: Hey, I've noticed you haven't been doing you dishes lately.

Them: Yeah, I've been really busy.

You: Oh, I'm sorry. I've been super busy too, and I totally understand where you're coming from. It's no fun to have to do the dishes on top of your other responsibilities.

See how when you have empathy you feel their pain with them? This is the best way to show someone how much you love and care for them. One of my favorite stories in the New Testament is when Christ raises Lazarus from the dead in John 11: "Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled ... Jesus wept. Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!" That is pure empathy, and that is how we should start our conversations.

Next, we need to be assertive. We can't just stop at empathy and go back to doing their dishes for them! I know people like to avoid conflict, but you won't accomplish anything if you aren't aggressive. That would sound like this: "I feel angry when you don't do your dishes because then I have more to do on top of my busy schedule." See how that leaves no room for the other person to tell you you're wrong? Always use emotions to describe what you're feeling because they can't tell you how you feel.

And finally, you need show respect. This is done by showing your love and care for them, usually by listening to their side of the story. Maybe they've seen you doing something that bothers them. Or maybe they just need to talk. Either way, it's important to keep listening. And make sure you are repeating their concerns back to them to show that you understand. Let them know that their feelings are just as valid as yours. They are also a child of God, show them that you know that! Don't roll your eyes or scoff when they say something you disagree with! That would be a great way to completely ruin the entire trust you just built up!

So, the next time you have the opportunity to communicate with someone, just remember Empathy, Assertiveness, and Resect. Or, just remember to lend an EAR.

The 5 Secrets of Effective Communication