Lending an EAR

"Communication works for those who work at it."

-John Powell

Communication is probably the most difficult, and yet the most important, part of every relationship. It is the healthiest way to solve issues taking place in your marriage, your family, or even you workplace. And yet, so many people don't know how to effectively communicate. 65% of divorces are caused from poor communication. How sad is that? I know that's part of the reason my parent's had a divorce, and I'm sure if you look at your life you have "divorced" certain people because of a lack of communication. Communication is conveying your message in a way that everyone feels understood, heard, and respected.

So let's talk about how to do that! Think of someone you have a difficult time communicating with, someone who seems impossible. Now let's say that person hasn't been doing their dishes, and you have been stuck doing them all by yourself. How would you normally approach that? Would you deal with it? Would you yell at them for not helping you with the dishes? Obviously, none of those are great ways to approach that situation. So what exactly is the best way? Well, according to David E. Burns, MD, there are three key areas we need to focus on: Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect. (If you want to read more about Burns' techniques, follow the link at the bottom of the page.)

Well it all starts with empathy. Empathy is defined as, "the ability to understand and to share the feelings of another." This is different from sympathy because when you sympathize with someone, you aren't feeling their same feelings. In the situation described above, this would look a little like this:

You: Hey, I've noticed your dishes have been in the sink for a while now.

Them: Yeah, I've been really busy.

You: Oh, that's no fun, I'm sorry.

That's not bad, but it's not good either. Empathy looks like this:

You: Hey, I've noticed you haven't been doing you dishes lately.

Them: Yeah, I've been really busy.

You: Oh, I'm sorry. I've been super busy too, and I totally understand where you're coming from. It's no fun to have to do the dishes on top of your other responsibilities.

See how when you have empathy you feel their pain with them? This is the best way to show someone how much you love and care for them. One of my favorite stories in the New Testament is when Christ raises Lazarus from the dead in John 11: "Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled ... Jesus wept. Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!" That is pure empathy, and that is how we should start our conversations.

Next, we need to be assertive. We can't just stop at empathy and go back to doing their dishes for them! I know people like to avoid conflict, but you won't accomplish anything if you aren't aggressive. That would sound like this: "I feel angry when you don't do your dishes because then I have more to do on top of my busy schedule." See how that leaves no room for the other person to tell you you're wrong? Always use emotions to describe what you're feeling because they can't tell you how you feel.

And finally, you need show respect. This is done by showing your love and care for them, usually by listening to their side of the story. Maybe they've seen you doing something that bothers them. Or maybe they just need to talk. Either way, it's important to keep listening. And make sure you are repeating their concerns back to them to show that you understand. Let them know that their feelings are just as valid as yours. They are also a child of God, show them that you know that! Don't roll your eyes or scoff when they say something you disagree with! That would be a great way to completely ruin the entire trust you just built up!

So, the next time you have the opportunity to communicate with someone, just remember Empathy, Assertiveness, and Resect. Or, just remember to lend an EAR.

The 5 Secrets of Effective Communication

The Stress of Family Life

"I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death--Sunday will come. In the darkness, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

Family life is hard. You go through a lot as a family, and it's no fun, but you come out as better people with stronger bonds. That's something I've had to learn the hard way, and I wanted to share that process with you.

First I want to introduce you to a little formula, and then I'm going to describe that formula with experiences and examples.

First: The actual stressor (A). This can be anything, ranging from a broken bone that costs thousands in medical bills, to the death of a family member. Basically, the definition is just something that causes stress. For example, when my mom left that put a lot of stress on our family. And not just our immediate family, but also our extended family. Similarly, there have been recent trials in my cousins' lives that have affected me. Remember, stressors can affect everyone, not just you and the people you live with.

Next is both your resources and your response (B). First of all, your response is how you cope with a stressor. For example, if you're stressed about grades, you might study more. Or, if you're stressed about a divorce, you may go out and blow your money. Obviously, there are good and bad ways, but sometimes that's just how you cope with stress. Your resources are what is available for you to use during this stressful time in your family. For example, the care of an infant who is in intensive care would cost thousands of dollars. The funeral for that baby when he passes away also costs a lot. The resources used in that situation would be your money, and most of the time, you won't have that resource, which doesn't help the stress go down. Another example of a resource is a ward, or some good friends. Those are the resources I used to help relieve stress after my mom left. I would talk to my friends, or to my Young Women leaders, and this greatly helped me power through. These are some good and bad ways your resources can affect how you cope with the trials you or your family are going through. That's something to remember the next time you are struggling with something. Make it a habit to respond and use your resources in a healthy way, at least to the best of your abilities.

The next part of the formula is your cognition (C). This basically means how you are comprehending the stressor or trial your family is faced. For example, you can look at it as a stumbling block in your way that you can never get over. Or, you can look at it as an opportunity to grow and become better through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This is probably the most important part of the formula, at least in my opinion.

So we have A+B+C, and that determines your overall experience with that specific stressor. Let me give you an example. When my mom decided to move out and divorce my dad, that was a huge stressor for my family. I responded to this by turning away from my mom and the rest of my family, and clinging to my friends. I used my ward as a resource to help me cope with the "loss" of my mom. I definitely didn't see this trial as an opportunity for me to grow. I saw it as a stumbling block that seemed to tower over me. Overall, this led to a very negative experience for me. I was depressed, confused, angry, and unforgiving. But then something changed. I started to turn more toward my family, and I became closer with them. I even bridged the gap between my mom and me just a little. I didn't completely stop using the ward as a resource, but I also turned more toward the scriptures and words of the prophet. And my entire cognition seemed to change. I began seeing this as a way to grow and become better. I saw this as an experience that would hurt me, but also as something that I could use in the coming days. This has led to a more positive experience for me. Not that there isn't struggles anymore, but I've changed the way I see those struggles, and suddenly the whole world seems brighter and more full of hope.

If you are still struggling please remember the wise words of Elder Holland: "Don't you give up. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead... It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." Things can and will get better. I don't know how or when, but if you have faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust, you will make it through.

Sunday Will Come

Good Things to Come

The Sin of Infidelity

"Clearly God's greatest concerns regarding mortality are how one gets into this world and how one gets out of it."

-Elder Jeffery R. Holland

Sexual intimacy, the most awkward topic ever. But, also the most important. So, like Elder Holland once said, "If I am not careful and you are not supportive, this subject can slide quickly from the sacred into the merely sensational". I hope you will approach this with maturity as I attempt to write about this sacred topic.

First, let's talk about the law of chastity. This is such an important law I don't think we fully understand. For the Strength of Youth states that we need to avoid anything that could lead to sexual transgression. This includes passionate kissing, lying on top of one another, and touching the sacred, private parts of another person. Something that I've come to realize is that there really isn't any specific line drawn when it comes to the law of chastity, and that can be really confusing. That is why it is so important to talk to Heavenly Father about this sacred subject. He will let you know what is ok, and what is not ok. Something important to remember is that when deciding what line you will draw for chastity, you shouldn't be thinking about how close to the line you can get, but how far you should stay from the line. That thought, and more interesting insights, is illustrated in the video "Chastity: What are the Limits?". 

Next I just wanted to talk about fidelity in marriage. Because that is really the other half of the law of chastity that not many people remember. Fidelity means, "Faithfulness to a person...demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support". Infidelity is such a serious topic, because it is such a big problem in the world today. So why do people cheat on their spouse? Well, the main reason is pornography.

Before I go more into detail about infidelity, I want you to think about something for a minute. Would you rather listen to a live performance of your favorite band on stage with them, or listen to the digital version on your couch? Now think about that in terms of pornography. The digital version, the one that can be edited as much as you want, represents pornography. The live version, with all the passion and feeling and beautiful mistakes, represents those sexual relations you have with your spouse. Wouldn't you rather have the live version? But so many people are choosing the fake version that leads to high and unrealistic expectations. That is why so many people struggle with fidelity. They are searching for the unattainable perfect person. If you are struggling with pornography, please find help. Seek the counsel of your bishop. That is what he is there for, to help you repent and become better through the Atonement of Christ.

Something else I just wanted to touch on is how to help children after their father or mother makes a decision to go against the law of chastity. Not that my mom struggled with fidelity, or that she committed any sins, but I did go through something similar. I wanted to share just a portion of my story today, and I hope you will feel the spirit as I write.

About a year ago, my whole world was turned upside down. My mom left my dad, me, and my siblings to deal with the emotional trauma that followed. I had looked up to my mom until that point. She was my best friend, I talked to her about everything. And suddenly, this mother that I had known for years was cut out of my life, and a stranger seemed to be attempting to take her place. I was lost and confused, and I'm not going to lie, I hated her. For a long time, I couldn't get over how she'd ruined my life. I thought I would never see the light of day again. But, slowly and surely, with the loving guidance of an understand Father in Heaven, I began to heal. I'm not saying I've completely forgiven my mom, but I certainly don't hate her anymore. But something that I think is important to remember is that I had to go through that process on my own. I had to learn to love again. No one could force me to love my mom right away. I had to struggle and learn with the love and support of others. That's how you teach children to deal with a parent who struggles with the law of chastity. You must let them learn on their own, but always be there to catch them when they fall.

Souls, Sacraments, and Symbols
Chastity: What are the Limits?

Growing Closer to God Together

"Any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."

-President Spencer W. Kimball

Marriage is hard. If I could, I would just leave it at that. Like, happily ever after is a lie, don't believe it! It takes a lot of hard work for marriage to work, and a lot is going to test your relationship! Today though, I just want to focus a little on the struggles that come from the beginnings of marriage.

Firstly, a lot people don't realize that marriage means sharing everything. Are you prepared to share finances, space, time, everything? It would be interesting to know that that is a major difference between those who cohabit and those who get married. People who cohabit before marriage tend to still have their own finances. They usually don't share cars, food, or their belongings. When you get married, that is supposed to all be shared because you are "cleaving unto one another" and becoming one. That is how you become closer together, and therefore closer to God. Plus, that will help you in the future when hard things happen and you have to support each other, because sharing everything allows you to practice leaning on each other. Don't be afraid to trust them, because that should be part of why you married them!

Can you guess what the next struggle newlyweds face? That's right, the first child. Sure, it may seem magical while she's pregnant, and it is really exciting and wonderful! But when that baby is born your life and your relationship is changed forever. Husbands and wives go through a lot even before they bring that bundle of joy home. A lot of the time, during the pregnancy, husbands feel left out because they don't get to connect to the baby in the same way a mother does. So, moms, make sure you're including your husbands! When you feel it kicking, let him feel. Describe what it feels like to him so he can feel as close as possible to that little miracle.

Now, after the baby is born and is brought home, there are even more struggles! Both mom and dad have an increased workload. Did you know that the mother's workload increases by 64% and father's workload increases by 37% within the first 6 months of parenthood. That's crazy, and it can lead to tension in the relationship. The mom is frequently occupied with the baby, and the dad is usually busy at work to pay for this baby. This leads to her thinking he no longer cares about her needs, and he feels left out when it comes to watching the baby grow. Plus, they're both exhausted from taking care of the tiny terrorist invading their home.

So, what are the solutions? Well, make sure you're preparing early. Talk about the challenges that are ahead and come up with a system to help each other! After the baby is born, make sure you're still validating each other. Always show you appreciation and love for each other, because it's going to get harder to remember. Remember that this was a joint effort, you both helped bring that baby into the world! And most importantly, remember to take care of yourself!! Get the rest you need and eat good food. And, if needed, ask each other for help! You're truly in this together.

Just to close, I'd like to address the first paragraph. I don't mean to discourage getting married. It is a wonderful and beautiful thing! I'm just saying that it takes a lot of hard work, and happily ever after doesn't just happen. You have to make sure you're working hard together to make your happily ever after. The best way to do this is to make sure you are making a covenant marriage, not a contract marriage. In his address entitled "Covenant Marriage", Bruce C. Hafen discusses that very issue. His main point is that it is important to make and keep a covenant marriage so that when the wolves come, you will not run. You will stick it out together, and you will grow closer to each other and to God because of it.

Covenant Marriage